Katie's Journal

5:00AM - I feel like shit.

So okay, I have absolutely no idea what the FUCK to do.
Being that I am a victim of manic bipolar, it is seriously the most confusing fucking thing ever. Nobody has any idea. I might act fine, but you havent the slightest clue what races through my mind every five minutes. Yes, every five minutes my mood will change drastically -- even without me knowing it, because I constantly fool myself to try to keep one continuous mood so it doesnt ruin what I'd like to be feeling like at that time. Confusing as fuck, right? Hard, yes? Very. But what nobody knows is manic bipolar has one good side to it, and thats the experience of being more happy than you should be. I experience extreme highs and extreme lows. When my happy hits, the smallest things can make it happen, but its such a huge impact on me. When I'm happy and I decide to not take the medication that evens everything out I fucking love life, regardless of anything huge happening, I will love it for the hell of it. My mind will be clear and open and I appreciate all of my surroundings so much. My influences start channeling into my daily life and it's wonderful, I feel like I'm living things that I've always wanted to. But what's really not worth it is the depression and the lows of it all, I constantly deny the fact that I ever get depressed, but I am sometimes. It's not my fault. I hate coming off as a depressed fuck because in the midst of it all I really do love the person I am so far and what life has offered me these days. I feel as if sometimes I'm spoiled with priceless things. Currently at the moment I kind of want to cry because of whats happened tonight, just the stupid things that people have said to me, 10 minutes ago I was really happy and didn't even care. My medication basically keeps me from being that happy, I have experienced the wonders of being more happy then I should, of having the greater effect than the average human being [regardless of drugs]. And not ever being able to experience that again fucking sucks. If I begged to differ with my doctor to get a medication that does NOT even me out but instead lets me not experience those tremendous lows I think I'd be set. But they don't go for that, I can't be spoiled with happiness, am I fucking crazy? God. I dont know. And I've been doing stupid shit with the meds im on now, I take it, then i dont take it for a couple days, then I take it. I'm not supposed to do that, it'll really fuck with my mind. It's a time-related thing I cant do that shit. Fuck it all. My point of all this endured writing is should I go on naturally with life....no meds [risking a nervous breakdown, panic attacks that worsen, bad thoughts] or take meds and give up the most intense and greatest feelings I will ever feel for the rest of my life? The rest of my life. I just dont know if I can do that. I dont want to give it up.